Life by design

Scrolling through my Facebook timeline has also shed some light on my life. LIFE as you may have it, LIFE as you want it, LIFE as you embrace it.

To me it's all about priorities and managing expectations, underlying both is our foundation - faith and values.

Some twenty over years ago I had chosen to join the work force, after graduating. This is glaringly clear the path I took was the norm of the majority. Complete school, go to college, graduate, find a job.

I've had my ups and downs throughout my 26 years of employment ie "makan gaji kerja dgn org lain, company kaya kita dpt apa"

I tend to not agree with that general statement of "company kaya kita dpt apa" Kaya is an under rated word with majority tagging this word most of the time to money, riches and harta. For majority sake, I'll stick to that for now.

Despite my ups and downs, I've had (Alhamdulillah, still having and enjoying) my share of reasonably good remuneration. Over the years of employment, I have missed a few life events of those I love and those dear to me. Yes, I've missed a few of my daughters' birthdays...but what I did and where I was at that time had been good for me. Was I being selfish? Maybe. I gained a few things being away "at work" but benefitting in a few ways including personal development. So what is so bad about working in an employment making decent income gaining great life experiences at the same time? Yes, I missed a couple of birthdays, a few weddings here and there, unable to visit friends in need or in sickness at times but this goes back to managing priorities and expectations.

I don't see others who claim to be charting their life path as they see fit NOT sacrificing their beloved's life events here and there. In pursuit of having it all, I do see friends leaving family behind during times that matters to their loved ones. Why? "I so have to do this now, I need to care for my family and my gaji is not enough" I do respect your decisions dear family and friends who clock maybe 12 hours at work n another 4-5 hours in pursuit of creating a "life that I want"

Isn't that 12 hours + 5 hours a day spent working and chasing your dreams your life? What about your family and friends whom you have not made time for because you need to "create a life that you want" You sacrifice your time and energy the same way regardless if you work in employment or you work on chasing your dreams. Chasing your dreams takes so much more effort, time, energy at the expense of your loved ones' current needs. Yes, the finishing line is much sweeter, satisfying and so much more rewarding. How sure are you that your family, friends and loved ones will be there when you finally have the life you designed?

Unless you bring your loved ones on your journey in pursuit of your dreams, leaving them out of your life most of the time, can't be good for anyone.

I go back to what I had said earlier. Priorities, expectations, faith and value. If you have faith, you will know that The Al Mighty has given us "enough" when what we chose to do with our life has ALLAH's blessings.

Would I do differently if given the chance? Yes and no. There is no hard and fast rule to following the norm. If you do chose to earn your living by being employed, chose to do something that you enjoy. If you chose to earn your living doing your own thing, by all means, please do. Follow your heart, strengthen your soul, and march on.

I'm at the tail end of my employment cycle, but I'm not ending the earning my living part just yet. For as long as I'm given a life to live, I will earn my living....in all the "currencies" available. And I don't just mean money.

It's my life's experiences. That is unique to me and it is priceless.

Changing Priorities

In our rush to fulfil our material needs, we always lose sight of the very reason we rush.

Most of us spend most of our time away from home and away from our families. We easily clock 12-15 hours work day, every week day. Most of us miss a good part of our children's growing up years.

I did.

Until I got this knock on my head that literally displaced me off my natural inclination towards work first, family next. I thought I was doing my family a favour, while of course immensely enjoying my work plus being remunerated with a big fat paycheck. I was working my ass off and earning money mostly for my family's upkeep and well being.

What I didn't realise until much later in life was that I had given my time away.

My precious time which I can never get back.
My precious time I spent at work and work related programmes and activities.
My precious time NOT SPENT with my children
My precious time MISSING what is important to my children.

Missing their Sports Day.
Missing their Hari Anugerah Cemerlang
Missing their School Carnival
Missing their choir, dance, piano performances
Missing their khatam Quran.

All those activities I missed, I would have supported them financially, emotionally but hardly physically present. My children will always say "It's okay mummy, we understand you can't make it because of work commitments. We're just telling you that this thing that we're participating in is happening. Just so you know"

Truth of the matter and in all actuality, they still hold deep down in their hearts for the slightest chance that I may be able to be there. And I also know how much I can boost their morale just by being physically there for them.

Early 2014 was when I got that knock on my head. I was forced to make a choice and the choice I made then also forced me to reflect on my whole life. It was timely that 2014 also marked my coming of age. I was turning 50 that year.

I was ready to NOT work a career anymore at that time. But I know it would be tough. With daughter no.2 entering (private) college, tough it was indeed.

As life would have it, almost half a year later, I landed me a job down south. And before I know it, poof I go to set the stage for another episode of my real life drama.

Too many people,  friends and family alike, asked me what triggered my decision to take up this job. Leaving my beautiful daughters, my parents, my siblings, my life in KL. Hey, I have my reasons. Of course! I needed to be away to be sure.

It's coming to a year since I've been away. Have I sured myself? Yes, I have.

My priorities have changed since a year ago. But unless Allah wills it, no matter what I do, or don't do, it is the Al Mighty who is the best and only planner.

Goodnight from JB.

Wealthily Healthy or Healthily Wealthy?

It's not always about wealth. I do believe the  most important component in wealth is not money but health.

In this day and age, many people believe that you must be healthy to be wealthy. And it takes wealth to stay healthy. Hence where and when do you draw the line?

You work hard doing whatever you THINK is good for you to earn a reasonably good income for you while striving to stay healthy at the same time.

Let's now look at our health.

It has been ages since I consistently exercise. Saying the same thing but putting it in a different way... Exercise hasn't been part of my lifestyle for a looooong time. So this qualifies me as a person with ZERO exercise.

And by not exercising, have I not been taking care of my health?

I'm Sick

Finally, 24 days after that first day, I succumbed to the much needed break. I had been "kept on my feet," as the saying goes, between caring for family members in need at hospital, at home, at hospital again then back home; ferrying school-going daughter to school and tuition; AND work at KL office and consultant office. I was up at 5.30am and slept past midnight on most days, everyday since April Fool's Day when everyone started the GST uproar.

Yesterday evening, I started feeling feverish. I was shivering as I felt the cool air from the ceiling fan and the natural wind when I was sitting outside. I knew I was coming down with something.

At dinner last night, it came. Whatever it was, it came. I couldn't lift myself up to even drive back home. Blessed as I was, Mr. Hubs had just passed his "no driving" time frame. So, he took over the wheels and drove me home.

I slept last night and woke up this morning feeling worse. Thumping headache, lower back at waist area aching like crazy and I was sneezing away, with runny and intermittently stuffy nose.

That's it. I'm pulling my blanket and going back to la la land. So be it.

My life, my woes, my way

I know I haven't been a friend of late. I haven't been as participative as I usually am especially on social media and I haven't been out catching up with friends over a cuppa or a banana leaf.

I've left many whatsapp/telegram/wechat groups. I don't respond to friends' messages prompt enough.

You see I'm not handling this as well as I should. I have issues. Me issues.

And the fact that I have a few good-intended family members who just seem to be yak yak yak yaking away in my ears about what to do, how to do, why don't I do this, when will I do that...I can't even respond to conversations without being labelled as drama queen or emo.

Then there are friends. Best friends, good friends, buddies, people I love. I expressed my inner feelings, and what do I get? "Let's put that feeling aside for now and focus on what is needed at the moment," so they say.

I AM the moment. I AM needing what is needed. Can anybody understand me? Anybody? Anyone?

I miss my laid back and easy life down south. Where (almost) everything revolves around me. I have no obligations to anyone but me and The Al Mighty. Apart from work, which is somewhat mundane, I'm contented.

But here, now, I'm edgy, I'm restless, I'm angry, I'm tensed, I'm anxious, I'm uptight, I'm irratable, I'm no fun. You make me like this. You can't be good for me. I tried. Ohhh I have tried.

Maybe I didn't try hard enough. I'm tired. Really tired.

When things get complicated

I'm the expressive type. I express myself, my inner feelings, my thoughts. I express by way of writing, saying, singing, capturing photos, SHOPPING and EATING. And maybe more ways than these.

I want it simple. Or do I? Battle of the mind and the heart. It goes on forever.

Life has taken a different turn since the first time I started this in 2006. I wrote once then, then stopped. I wrote again six years later in 2012, the stopped.

I'm back here today, this year 2015. I'm coming back here more often. I've installed the Blogger apps on my Android device, and placed it on my Home screen.

See. Home screen. When I'm in it, I will do it.

When it DOESN'T Get Simpler....

This was written n posted in 2012. I think. Reposted today coz I made amendments hahahaha...

Six years on, n I'm still trying to figure out, if life will get simpler. Always hopeful, forever in denial...always think good, forever dreaming...I need to simplify ME. Just last week, my 2nd dotter said, "Mummy, can u pls stop thinking of others, n think of u first." Wow...I do that? And I've been bragging all these years that I love me first n foremost. Bluueekk....In my dreams, maybe :p

Looking back, yesterday...conceded my stand to assist a dear fren close to my heart in his hour of need.
Looking back, last week...said "yes" to a close family member, when I really wanted to say NO.
Looking back, last month...gave way to another dear fren's request just bcoz he was fretting that I dont do enuff as his fren
Looking back, last year...buried everything I feel like doing coz it was exam year, PMR n SPM, for 2 of my gals.
Looking back, yesteryears...it's always been about him, about them, about her, about evryone. Sometimes about me. But mostly everyone else but me.

Yes I know....why cant I stop caring? I read this on Twitter once "Dont ask why people keep hurting you. Ask yourself why dont you stop caring about them" @AmandaAdriani H.E.L.P....????